The enemy

From Penny Arcade's Dark Truths

Obviously the good people of Penny Arcade, both fathers I should add, are trying to be evil, but there is an underlying point that babies aren’t perfect all the time. Sure they might be innocent but they can be very annoying. Young Abe for example cries a lot when having his nappy changed. Scratch that, he screams when having his nappy changed like a banshee having its legs waxed. That’s not helpful when you are a concerned parent trying to change a nappy, its not helpful when its 4am, and its not helpful when it’s the third time since midnight that you have had to get out of bed to do it. At that point, despite your protective instincts to your child you lose a lot of sympathy for their cause, especially since 2 minutes later they are all quiet and smiley and you’re standing there swaying having just dealt with this onslaught of emotional blackmail. The only way through is to invoke a sort of war time spirit as you try to out smart your child and get one step ahead.

I don’t understand people who think babies are perfect. I understand unconditional love for them, thousands of years of evolution mean that even before the baby was born its health and wellbeing were instinctively my number one priorities. But although Abe might be the most beautiful baby ever, he is not perfect at all, and it is unrealistic to expect him to be. If anything its his little foibles that I respect the most, for example his sense of timing when it comes to kicking off, or demanding feeding just when you are about to go out – he has no intention of working to my schedule. I like his ability to let fly with an arc of piss seconds before you put a new nappy on him so you have to start all over again, so far he has only hit me once. I like the fact that he is a bit of a drama queen and pulls all sorts of offended expressions when he isn’t happy, as if anything less than total attention and gratification were a mortal outrage. He’s not perfect, he’s like his mum and dad in that way – grouchy, self righteous and really lazy.

In fact it is the obedient babies who don’t question authority who are the really evil ones. Look at this baby dressed as Mao. This child dresses as  famous dictators to send a sinister message – that there is no indignity it wouldn’t stoop to.

In communist China baby changes you

It demonstrates the simple fact that babies tacitly support genocide. I have never heard a baby speak out about any major crime. Sure they might claim ignorance, but that is hardly a defence when talking about the deaths of millions. In what Hannah Arendt described as the banality of evil these chilren sit idly by as atrocities happen around them, often in their name. Who were the American’s exterminating the native American’s for if not for the next generation? Yet babies refuse to take responsibility for their silent appeasement. It’s about time someone spoke out against the infant-industrialist complex which threatens our way of life.

PS. It should also be noted that Abe smiled properly for the first time today, needless to say it melted even my stone heart.

PPS. This post has been edited at least three times, apologies for my Orwellian approach but I just could stop messing around with it. One of the many problems with dialy updates, post in haste, regret at leisure.

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